Near Death – The Updates

Damage Claim Settled

In early August, a mere five months after the crash, my bike and wheel claim was finally settled. It was endlessly frustrating to be ghosted by the adjuster, with zero apologies for doing so, but at least I got the money and it was a better settlement than expected. I go into a lot more detail on my experience with ICBC here.

No More Hand Therapy

I was plateauing with the therapy while the hand continued to progress. Using the hand continually for nearly everything (as I have done) has really been the best approach to getting the functioning back. I thank my lucky stars I’m a drummer because I’m convinced that nothing is better hand therapy.

Running and Cycling For Recovery

There’s a litany of data supporting the benefits of cardiovascular exercise on recovering from an acquired/traumatic brain injury. People recover faster and show more improvement in their cognitive functioning overall. Beginning in August, I decided to do my best to do a run, e-bike or trainer ride almost every day going forward. I figured the only way I could continue to reduce my vestibular symptoms as fast as possible was to desensitize myself by triggering them. By August I was doing runs of 8k or so, so working toward longer continuous runs became one of my goals going forward. When I first came home from GF Strong I had to pause and rest just going up the stairs and by fall I was doing decent rides and runs. So, with both, in August I switched gears from just doing the activities to improving.

Long-term Disability Approved

By far the best news in August was that my LTD claim was approved when we had our Manulife phone interview. In general, the entire Manulife LTD application process was pretty painless. I’m still not sure whether there’s a return to work in my future or not, but the focus has always been to get back to a place where I could return to my job. One thing I had already decided by August is that any return to work would have to be 100% remote or it wasn’t happening. My employer has accommodated other immunocompromised people so I don’t think this should be a showstopper.

Fitness

If nothing else, very early in my therapy at GF Strong I decided I wouldn’t fail at progress because I didn’t put in the effort. The list below also doesn’t include my therapies or homework, which probably averaged about an an hour a day by August. When I first began my hand and vestibular physiotherapy, it was common for me to spend 3+ hours a day on my therapies and related homework.

• Drums: 9 hrs
• Run: 33km
• Walk: 50km
• Cycling (trainer & e-bike): 178km
• Weights: 4.5 hrs
• Yoga: 4.5 hrs

Victoria

For the first time since my crash, we got back to Victoria from September 17-20. It wasn’t quite the same without craft beer or whisky (I’m mostly abstaining for a year, post-crash), but it was still very enjoyable. Connie was nursing a calf/outer knee strain, so we couldn’t do the walking we typically love to do while there. I did have my fastest short run since the crash so that’s something. Wild to think that as recently as June I was struggling to do a shaky, slow 3k, and by September, 9-10k was reasonably easy, all things considered.

Weights

Early in the month I decided I didn’t really like going to the weight room to do my strength workouts with me missing my spleen and all, and given my need to keep building strength, I asked my OT if it would be possible to get some weights for home. Much to my surprise, it was approved by ICBC and I felt much more comfortable not exposing myself to the viral stew at the gym.

New Bike Choices

After finally getting my bike money from ICBC in August, I began shopping for a replacement steed in September. I’ve been taking my time because I want to be sure I won’t switch to more transport and city biking. If I don’t feel I need a road machine any longer it’ll reduce my cost by half or more. I think I’ll ultimately still want to do group road rides, but it’s best to be sure and not regret my purchase immediately after making it. Honestly, just being able to return to a cycling club and ride is something I wondered if I’d ever be able to do again.

Fitness

In September I tried to get still more regimented with my fitness and saw pretty significant increases in time/distance across the board. While I’m still not beating myself up for missing workouts, I decided I needed to do my best to stick to a schedule and it paid off in September.

I continued to see improvement in my strength, coordination and general right hand functioning too. Typing and printing were still a bit slow, but also improved a lot in September. Drumming surprisingly improved the most, and as of September 30th I was seeing less dramatic improvement, but still improving. I walked a lot in Victoria in September, so that was more a blip than actual progress, but walking a lot is thankfully not an issue. Cycling on the trainer also saw glimpses of power returning. I’d say September was sort of a milestone month, as it felt like everything really began turning a corner.

• Running: 55 km
• Walking: 92 km
• Cycling (trainer & e-bike): 233 km
• Weights: 6.75 hrs
• Yoga: 6.2 hrs
• Drums: 7.5hrs

Notes

I also have slightly elevated BP now, and really have been dealing with it for a few years, but the medication I’m taking for it (Amlodipine) seems to cause constipation. I tried a few things without much success and finally gave in to Metamucil in the past week, and that seems to have done the trick. I’m regular now and much happier. We already eat a pretty high fibre diet, so I figured I didn’t need it, but I’m glad I tried it. Unlike polyethylene glycol, I can use it daily, with the added benefits of potentially helping to regulate blood sugar, blood pressure and LDL cholesterol. Man, does all this stuff make me sound old now.

I haven’t mentioned it so far, but one thing I have struggled with since the crash is keeping up my weight. I used to hold steady at about 165, which was probably ten pounds heavier than I’d have liked. Now I usually weigh 148-150. In a perfect world I’d weigh around 155. I’ve taken to smaller, more frequent meals because my appetite has been smaller since my hospital stay, with all the abdominal and chest related surgeries, and eating denser, more high calorie foods often comes with additional salt, sugar, saturated fat, or a combination of all of them. Hopefully I’ll gain that final 5-7 pounds at some point.

Vaccines Done

Well, for another five years, anyway. Losing your spleen not only means trying to be more careful about bacterial infections and taking precautions like masking in crowded spaces, but also getting a whole whack of new vaccines, almost all of which are to prevent encapsulated bacterial infections:

• Bexsero x1
• Hib x1
• Prevnar 20 x1
• COVID/Flu (annually)
• Nimenrix x2 (eight weeks apart)
• Shingrix x2 (2-6 months apart)

Vestibular Physio Done

In truth, this is a massive list item checked. I needed a couple months of hand therapy to get my right hand well on the road to recovery. However, I needed much more therapy to right the running ship. I’ll have had just over six months of vestibular physio in early November. My only goals have always been a return to running and cycling. For some time, I had no idea what that looked like or how far I would get. Turns out, pretty far, with no real ceiling detected, aside from whatever natural ability I have (and sadly the inexorable effect of Father Time). In October I finally cracked 10k of running. As well, I was regularly doing substantial trainer rides of more than an hour, and beginning to rebuild my power by grinding out harder workouts. I honestly thought my running days might be done with how I felt after my release from GF Strong. I’m still very cautious riding my e-bike and feeling comfortable on the road may always be a struggle, but the one thing I have decided is that I’ll never ride solo on the open road again – only in a group.

Return to Work?

This idea is nowhere near firm yet. However, it’s certainly a consideration. Until recently I’d been almost positive I would simply retire at some point in the next year or so, but I have a morbid curiosity about how well I could do my job again and began thinking of it as the last big step in my recovery.

Fitness

In October, I still increased my time or mileage over September in most categories, but not as dramatically month over month as I did through September.

Total (walk, bike, run) Mileage: 414.7 km

• Running: 53.0 km
• Walking: 53.6 km
• Cycling (trainer, e-bike): 308.1 km
• Weights: 7h 58m
• Yoga: 5 h 38m
• Drums: 7 h 2m

Notes

Just a word about disability insurance … While the general administrative stuff can be a hassle, and weaving your way through the application processes can be frustrating, I’m now receiving 90% of my net salary, and very thankful for that. It provides significant security and peace of mind when recovering as fully as possible should be your only concern. I have more thoughts about ICBC’s enhanced care model, and disability / income replacement insurance below.

After struggling to put on weight since my eight week hospital stay, I’ve held pretty steady at about 150 lbs for the past month or so, just shy of my 155 goal weight.

November’s update is both very significant and pretty short. The big news is that, five years after last living in Victoria, we moved back in mid-November. I’m sure I’ll have more to say on the subject eventually, but in short, we signed a lease on November 4th, effective for November 15th, and I. Could. Not. Be. Happier. We’ve been wanting to get back since we last lived here in 2019, but expected to have to wait until we fully retired. I guess if one positive came out of my crash, it was this, and deciding I will no longer put off until tomorrow what I want to do today. Nearly dying gives one a bit of perspective.

A Letter for a Careless Driver

The other somewhat major development is that, after careful consideration, and vacillating repeatedly, I decided late in November to send the driver who hit me a letter outlining the impact his carelessness has had on me. Drafting it it has been very therapeutic. As I said, my wife inadvertently got his contact info, so we were able to determine that his home-based business was a couple blocks from where he hit me. I don’t want a response; only to hope that he reads it and pays more attention to his surroundings when driving. Sending it will, of course, have to wait until the Canada Post strike is over.

Thanks also to my cognitive / SLP therapist, Kathy, for feedback on the following.

Re: April 14th, 2024

I’m the guy you hit on April 14th. Since you said to my wife by text that you hoped I would recover fully, I thought I’d let you know what kind of damage even momentary inattentiveness can cause. My injuries were extensive and severe.

Physically, I came into Royal Columbian Emergency with significant lacerations down my left arm and on my left thigh and knee, and multiple fractured ribs. The force of the crash jammed my bowels up into my chest cavity and also resulted in me losing my spleen and rupturing my diaphragm. They had to put a stent in my right carotid artery for fear of enough oxygen getting to my brain, as I had become unresponsive shortly after arriving at RCH. As a result of the splenectomy alone, I am now permanently immunocompromised, which meant five new vaccines, boosters for two of them in five years, and being up to date on annual COVID and flu shots. More significantly, I can no longer safely go to concerts, hockey games or anywhere people are crowded into smaller spaces, including even just a bite out at a busy restaurant. This poses significant challenges for attending my son’s wedding next year. In short I am at a substantially higher risk of contracting infections than I was before the crash. I also have several disfiguring scars as a result. One the length of my abdomen, another about 4” long, perpendicular to that one (from the splenectomy, with a corresponding abdominal bulge), and more down my left forearm, on my knee and thigh, and several small scars from the feeding, drainage and intubation tubes. Beyond the scarring, the other effect has been a loss of sensation under my left arm and in my pectoral muscle. It’s unclear right now whether the feeling will return.

With regard to the bulge, it appears to be a small hernia, which will almost certainly require another surgery and the risk of further numbness in my chest/abdomen to repair.

I spent three weeks in Royal Columbian and was transferred to GF Strong for another five, which included starting very intense therapy and rehab.

Less obvious but far more significant … I suffered several small strokes (I am not someone normally at high risk of stroke) resulting in a traumatic brain injury which, in turn, affected my right arm and hand motor skills and coordination. It is getting better but may never fully recover. I also had visual deficits when first released from hospital (which have thankfully mostly resolved aside from the visual fatigue I refer to below). Similarly, I developed significant cognitive issues as a result of the brain injury. Memory, executive functioning, recall and many other issues have prevented me returning to work, which frankly, may never happen. I now also have severe light sensitivity, visual and mental fatigue and a persistent “brain fog” which may never lift.The brain injury has also caused significant vestibular (balance, dizziness, etc) symptoms, which have drastically affected my running and to a lesser degree, my cycling (both things I am passionate about). I also am much more paranoid of traffic in general and doubt I’ll ever ride solo in traffic again - something I used to really enjoy doing.

I have just finished six months of vestibular physiotherapy, had two months of hand therapy after I left GF Strong and will be in cognitive therapy for several more months. I am not carrying around anger because it wouldn’t be productive, wouldn’t change anything and wouldn’t help my continuing recovery. I will just mention though, if it isn’t clear by implication, the crash has permanently and significantly impacted my life, and aside from your premiums paying for my recovery, I suspect you’ve suffered no other financial costs. FYI, if we weren’t subject to no-fault insurance in BC you would have been liable for damages, and it would have cost you significantly more than higher insurance premiums. However, only crashes involving alcohol, road rage or distracted driving are typically subject to any further investigation or possible charges (and the police file offered no help). I remember you saying you didn’t see me (my ONLY recollection of anything for about  a week). It was a very clear day and I was dressed very visibly, so I often wonder if you were distracted, because you certainly weren’t paying enough attention to be driving. 

All of this doesn’t even touch on the stress and uncertainty you caused my wife and sons, who didn’t know if I would even survive, or, if so, if I would have permanent brain damage or possibly be blind (all things that were openly discussed in the first days after the crash). It also doesn’t touch on navigating the endless bureaucracy associated with income replacement insurance. Presently I have to deal with three different insurers (EI, ICBC and my LTD provider).

It has been over eight months since my life was altered permanently from the crash with you. According to estimates from the hospital and police, you were doing about 50 km\hr at the time of impact, when, in my opinion, you should have been going much slower in that area. However, it’s a pretty well established pattern that people pay less attention the closer they are to home, when driving. I don’t want your sympathy and have purposely not included my address or name, because I don’t want any kind of reply. However, if I have one thing to say in closing it’s to please, PLEASE slow down, and pay attention. I nearly died because you weren’t doing so on April 14th.

Fitness

Almost entirely due to the move, progress on my fitness took a major hit, and was down 58% from October. I expect December to see a nice rebound across the board.

• Total (walk, bike, run) Mileage: 173.2 km
• Running: 19.6 km
• Walking: 82.7 km
• Cycling (trainer, e-bike): 71.9 km
• Weights: 2h 38m
• Yoga: 4h 40m
• Drums: 1h 2m

Notes

Our move ended up being quite the adventure with ferry delays, and heat / hot water issues, but that’s all been rectified (hopefully) and feels like another post for another day.

I’ve decided that this will be my last monthly update, with the possible exception of a quarterly update or two in 2025, particularly around my decision about returning to work. My progress still continues to be good, but true milestones are fewer and further between.

Regardless of what ends up happening, I continue preparing as though I will return to work. To that end, I am still in cognitive therapy, with short-term memory, planning and problem solving getting better, little by little, and, while not quite there yet, typing has improved to the point where it will be slow but is acceptable for work.

I’m not sure if it’s a case of fatigue with needing to constantly prove that I am not ready for work / disabled, needing to continually provide related documentation, or just the fact I’m dealing with three different insurers, all with their similar but different requirements, but both my wife and I have noticed my frustration level is much higher with things that didn’t trigger me before. To deal with it, I’ve asked my OT and cognitive therapist to include “frustration strategies” with the general return to work stuff. It’s not fair to my wife to have to put up with my kvetching, so I’m looking to make sure it doesn’t become more of an issue than it is.

We’re on Christmas break over the holidays, but will reconvene in the new year with a focus on things that will hopefully prepare me for a real-world work situation and head off the aforementioned frustrations. We’ll file all of that under “to be determined” for now.

I still haven’t bought a new road bike, as right now in the midst of “wet coast winter,” being on the trainer or e-bike is completely sufficient for my needs, though I do plan to join a cycling club again … I think. Power output and ride speed on the trainer continues to inch upward and is getting close to where I was pre-crash.

Running continues to progress well; amazingly well really. I’m closing in on a 4:30/km pace on shorter, harder efforts and usually 5:15-5:30/km on longer, easier efforts. These paces are, more or less, what I was running before the crash. Now I will begin edging my longer runs beyond 13k, my current limit, to see how far I can get. It’s nice that I feel like going longer won’t be a problem.

I sent the letter I posted above to the driver who hit me, once the Canada Post strike ended in mid-December. Doing so was therapeutic and provided some measure of closure, though I’m not even sure what constitutes closure. I’m not mad, and in truth there’s little that can be done when someone drives carelessly, aside from hoping they slow down and pay more attention in future.

I guess the only real development for me physically from late 2024, aside from continued improvement with running and cycling, is that of an abdominal incisional hernia. At first I thought my incision was just healing a bit oddly, but it seems that the small bulge in my abdominal wall is actually a hernia. There’s no pain at all, and short of being aware of it, it causes no issues right now. I’ve been referred to a surgeon in Victoria by one of the surgeons who did my original emergency splenectomy and diaphragm repair. It’ll be at least 12 months before I can actually get a consult with the surgeon here, so aside from watching for signs of strangulation / prolapse, there’s little to do but wait. It’s typically over 30 months to get a hernia repaired in BC, so wait, indeed.

February 2025 Update: I had a hernia surgical consult on February 20th. It seems it will probably be a year or so until I can get the surgery (which is much better than the estimates I was given a month or so ago), and I learned that the loss of sensation I have experienced around my ribs and pectoral muscle is likely caused by the broken ribs and not the original surgery.

Fitness Totals for 2024

Since I got back on track with my fitness in December, more or less, I thought it might be better to review the entire year, in light of the impact the crash has had on my ability to exercise.

• Total: 998 activities, 5380 km, 532 hrs
• Running: 81 activities, 385 km, 35 hrs
• Walking: 386 activities, 640 km, 143 hrs
• Cycling (trainer, e-bike, road): 234 activities, 4355 km, 121 hrs
• Strength: 71 activities, 46 hrs
• Yoga: 113 activities, 51 hrs
• Drums: 184 activities, 97 hrs

All things considered, my activity log doesn’t look all that bad. Monthly, I averaged 489kms overall and 5.4kms per activity, 32kms of running (the hardest activity to return to by far), 53kms of walking and 363 kms of cycling (of all kinds) for the year. When you consider that I couldn’t do any activities at all for two months, I should actually be averaging things over ten months.

As well, I’d say strength took the longest to return to (losing 30 lbs makes one pretty weak) so averaging about 4 hrs per month isn’t too bad, as it ramped way up in the final months of the year. I also averaged 4.25 hrs of yoga and over 8 hrs of drumming a month; also good when you consider two months was a complete write-off. This year hasn’t remotely been about how much I could do, or how fast, only just doing it.

Return to Work

After hemming and hawing repeatedly as to whether I’d be returning to work, I’ve decided to give it a go, mostly as the final stage in my recovery.

Cognitive / Speech Therapy Done

In mid-March, my speech therapist and I agreed to end my therapy at the end of the month. This was actually a pretty big development, and the key element of being able to return to work. Neither of us felt further therapy would be beneficial, as memory and recall seem to be on par with where I was pre-crash, and I rocked most return-to-work simulation exercises. I continue to be very thankful for my recovery progress, and both Kathy (SLP) and Lorraine (OT). I did suggest she check in with my wife, as I felt she may have insight that I don’t, and my wife concurred that I seem to be pretty fully recovered cognitively.

New Bike

Last Friday I finally bought a new road (gravel) bike 11.5 months after the crash. I chose a Giant Revolt Advanced Pro 0. The relaxed geometry is a pleasure to ride and the 43-30 chain rings are much kinder to my ageing legs. I was already sold on electronic shifting with the Caledonia I had until the crash. This bike actually reminds me of the Caledonia a lot. I’ve completely let go of the need to ride faster and really only ride for pleasure and exercise now. Still considering my options for a club.

Of course I managed to take a bit of a tumble on my maiden voyage yesterday. I’m fine and the bike is still pristine. I’m missing a nickel sized patch of knee skin, and my Garmin took a little scrape, but thankfully it was almost entirely my ego (and hip) that was bruised. There’s nothing like mis-negotiating a curb going 5km per hour, to demonstrate your riding skills. As far as I’m concerned, as long as a car isn’t involved again, I should be fine.

In Closing

I know I closed off my December update above three months ago, with my 2024 fitness totals and a summary of where I was at in my recovery then, but I think it’s worth a little update still as I begin planning for a graduated return to work about a month from now. Physically, I feel as close to fully recovered as I’m likely going to get. While I have minor balance issues when upright, I can sustain running and cycling for pretty lengthy periods (two hours plus) and hit reasonably good paces. I am always a bit more sensitive to light and brain fog first thing in the morning than later in the day.

When seated, perhaps unsurprisingly, I don’t experience any vestibular symptoms. I’m doing several hours of strength and yoga per month. I still have an abdominal incisional hernia from the splenectomy that needs surgical repair, and have some loss of sensation in my pectorals and ribs resulting from the broken ribs. I also have several scars that should net some kind of additional payment from ICBC (though I don’t expect much based on what I already got for life-altering injuries.

As far as things that are likely to affect my ability to work, my cognitive domain seems pretty solid, with the only thing left to do being to actually test it for real. Thankfully the mental / visual fatigue that plagued the early days of my recovery is a distant memory now.

No, not that end, as in my swan song. Rather, the end of my near-death crash ordeal. I’ve already summarized my fitness for 2024, and documented in detail my path to recovery, and progress for the past 14 months. So, for this final update, a very brief couple of things to wrap everything up with a tidy bow.

Scar Payment

This is also included in my post about dealing with ICBC, the crown corporation in British Columbia that insures vehicles. After getting paid the ridiculous sum of about $43,000 sometime in the middle of last year, for the myriad life-altering injuries I sustained, I received the princely sum of about another $13,000 in April for my scars and permanent loss of sensation in my pectoral and rib area. As I said, under their enhanced recovery model, they do pay for therapies and some other things to help you recover (free weights and transitions glasses in my case), but if we were still allowed to sue for damages as we could up until May, 2021, I would have been much more fairly compensated.

Early Retirement

I know that up until my last update, everything was pointing to a graduated return to work, and I’d even been approved for a 100% remote accommodation based on a medical restriction. However, none of that will come to pass.

My employer is having major budget issues, as many post-secondary institutions are, with reductions in immigration and foreign students resulting in fewer applications for admission. As a result, they needed to reduce headcount across the institute, and by ten in just my department. I was so focused on my return to work, that taking early retirement didn’t really register at first, but the more I thought about it, the more appealing the idea became.

I qualified for early retirement (being only four years shy of 65), and they offered 80% of a year’s salary to leave, or if I opted for voluntary layoff, it would have been nine months salary. However, this option would have meant a gap in extended health and dental. The only caveat to taking early retirement is the requirement to begin collecting my pension immediately after payout. My pension won’t be reduced that much by taking it early, our finances are in decent shape, and I can apply for extended health and dental as part of the pension application process. All that remains is to receive the official letter and get my pension application rolling.

The added benefit is, of course, that by taking early retirement it should avoid someone lower on the seniority list from being laid off, and there’s been a person with little seniority backfilling me for several months.

Where This Leaves Me

As I’ve mentioned several times over the past months, in general my recovery has gone very well. I’ve regained the ability to run and cycle at levels better than I could have imagined in the early days after the crash (18k run and 80k ride so far), even if I do have to do both with more care and attention now. After dropping 30+ pounds while in the hospital, I’ve been holding steady at 150-155 (nearly a perfect weight for my 5’8″ frame) for the past few months, and my strength and flexibility are pretty good for a 60 year old guy, by way of regular resistance training and yoga. And my right hand is nearly fully recovered after not being able to print or type or feed myself when I was released from hospital. This is due in large part to daily drumming sessions early on, and using my right hand as much as possible. A near-daily reading habit has done wonders to minimize the significant issues I was having parsing and comprehending the written word, which included a somewhat concerning inability to easily tell time when I was still in GF Strong (ah, the wonders of an acquired brain injury).

And yet, some issues remain. I’m permanently immunocompromised. I have an incisional hernia from the splenectomy, which will require surgery to correct (after I can finally get a CT scan). I have a loss of sensation localized to a small area around my left pec muscle and ribs. I still have very minor episodes of brain fog, which is usually more pronounced in the morning, and light sensitivity which affects me all the time, and which is also worse on sunny mornings. Similarly, when running or walking I still have minor vestibular episodes. While all of these issues may still improve a bit, now that I am 14 months post-crash, the likelihood of complete recovery diminishes with each passing day. So, I’m probably going to be a sunglass-wearing, slightly dizzy, mildly brain-foggy, occasionally-masking geezer to some degree, for my remaining days. Given the alternative, I can cope, and I remain incredibly thankful for the family support (particularly my rock star of a wife), care and therapy I have received in getting to this point.

I don’t think there’s any point in documenting things related to the crash further, but I am going to begin what I hope will become a daily journalling habit in retirement, maybe digital, maybe paper-based. Not sure yet. My printing is slower than my typing, so my hand would probably benefit from the printing more.

Another thing I’m going to do is focus on piano and let the drums go to some degree (which should continue to help my right hand improve dexterity), along with continuing to travel as budget allows.

Finally, it wouldn’t be a final update to this fiasco without expressing my profound thanks to many people:

In Royal Columbian Hospital, GF Strong and the community, the many doctors and surgeons who performed minor miracles saving my life and the many therapists who have put me on the road to a very solid recovery, I literally would not be here without them.

First and foremost, my wife Connie, who has been an absolute rock star throughout. I know dealing with this and some of the illogical frustrations and flat out weird shit I’ve said and done through my recovery and rehab hasn’t been easy. She has more grace than I have a right to experience and I couldn’t love a person more.

My kids and soon-to-be daughter-in-law, who routinely kept my spirits up and put up with my many updates and cycling/running and other milestones, in spite of having no personal interest in the subject 🙂 Love to all.

My extended family and old friends, including well wishes from far and wide, and most welcome visits from a couple cousins from Ontario and my oldest friend Andy (53 years and counting). I’m happy to say that I surprised all of them with my progress (Given the severity of my crash, I know their expectations were probably pretty low).

My Vancouver friends who routinely grabbed coffee and hung out with me.